Family

Tonight I talked on the phone with my sister, Amy. I feel I have to say her name when I talk about her because normally if I said sister I would mean, & most people I know would assume, my sister Tricia. In actuality both are half sisters but I grew up with Tricia so, by default, when I say sister I mean her.

Anyways, Amy & I talked for over an hour. Well, I mostly listened. As I said, I didn't grow up with Amy. My parents divorced when I was less than 2yrs old, Amy was from my fathers previous marriage. So, when my parents divorced Amy & my brother Ray (also from my dads previous marriage) went with him & Tricia, Chris (both from mom's first marriage) & I stayed with mom. She called to talk about dad, to tell me about him. He died back in 2002 & after grandma Dena's funeral in 2006 I gave Amy a letter telling her how much I wished I hadn't missed so much. I saw dad a handful of times in my life. Saw Ray & Amy even less. So, she decided to call tonight to tell me more about him. I know it might seem odd that its 3 years after the fact but I understand - we grew up vastly differently & are separated by an ocean of time & experiences. I think she showed much courage in it. I wish it was not so awkward myself.

She told me of his love for old gospel music & mo-town. Of his NAVY service & him almost becoming a SEAL around the time of Vietnam (which I believe was about the time the SEALS started). Told me the main reason he didn't was because of his lack of education - he was smart & quick but was a poor reader & didn't get his GED until late in life. My dad was a trucker/diesel mechanic & she told me about growing up mostly on the road - & how that was great & bad. Told me about the hard times, about his times in jail. About them wanting to see me when they were little & mom not letting them because she (my mom) was afraid he'd kidnap me (that I remember & I remember being afraid. Now I wish my mother had been a bit more rational & had let me see them). She told me that mom was the only woman dad ever really respected or loved. Told me things about moms house keeping which are true today. She talked about the many times his sleep apnea (maybe also narcolepsy?) had him falling asleep during dinner, on the road or in a chair with a cigarette in hand & how she came home one day & the chair was in the front yard, half burnt. She recounted his last days in the hospital, how he didn't want to tell Ray or I so we wouldn't have to see him that way. How he talked about me...

It's hard to say how I feel. Its hard to know what to feel. I hope to see them this summer. It'll be interesting for sure.